What is Social Conditioning? And Why Should I Care?
I rarely ever leave a session with a client - new or established - in which we don’t talk about social conditioning. It’s. Just. So. Damn. Important. Social conditioning quite literally impacts every area of a woman’s life. This socialization becomes so entrenched in our brains that it’s hard to know where social conditioning ends, and where we begin.
Most of us struggle with showing up as our authentic selves because we don’t even know what that looks like with all the nasty messaging of who we “should” be. How can we be “authentic” if we are constantly put into boxes and expected to behave a certain way?
But before we get into the nitty gritty: what even is social conditioning? While the term might sound daunting, I promise in no time you’ll be able to identify where these damaging messages show up in your life.
And learning where social conditioning shows up in your life is the first step to breaking free of who you “should” be to embrace your authentic self.
At it’s core, social conditioning refers to the subtle (yet powerful af) influences that society exerts on people, shaping their beliefs, behaviors, and perceptions from a (VERY) early age. Essentially, it is learned behavior that puts a lot of pressure on us to look and act a certain way. This happens for all people, irrespective of age or sex, but since I am a woman who works with women, today we are going to focus on how social conditioning most frequently manifests for women.
1. The "Perfect" Woman Prototype: From glossy magazine covers to Instagram filters, women in particular are bombarded with images of flawlessness. Society whispers in our ears, telling us we must be:
Effortlessly beautiful. You should wear a lot of makeup, but not appear like you are wearing makeup. Too little makeup? You’re accused of being messy or not put together. Too much makeup? Geez, who are you trying to impress?
Impeccably groomed. You must look clean and put together, at all times, period. This one in particular works really well for capitalism. Women spend so much money trying to look pretty, by whatever standard society has set. For instance, regular hair appointments, manicures, pedicures, facials, botox, fillers, PLUS all of the skin care to stay as youthful as possible (I.e. women are not allowed to age naturally, the same way men are). Most of us routinely spend hundreds of dollars just to feel acceptable by societal standards.
You might be thinking, “well all of that is a choice, I don’t have to spend all that, I like to.” Maybe it is true that you enjoy these things, I’m not
challenging that. But I will challenge the part where it feels like a choice. Because here’s what I know to be true: you have to appear a certain
way in order to be taken seriously. You can’t, for instance, show up to a job interview with chipped finger nail polish, no makeup, in joggers
from Old Navy, and expect to be taken seriously. And yes, this impacts men too (albeit in a different way), but that’s a topic for another day.
2. The Martyrdom Mindset: Ever heard the phrase, "Women are natural caretakers"? Welp, that’s social conditioning. Here me out: there is no biological reason that women are traditionally responsible for cooking the Thanksgiving dinners, and then afterwards immediately get up and clean (while the men sit around talking or watching football). There is no biological reason that women are more adept at knowing what to pack for school lunches, or are better at keeping track of birthdays. It is learned behavior.
While it's wonderful to be compassionate and caring, the issue comes when self-sacrifice is painted as virtuous. When you constantly put the needs of others, and their expectations of you, before your own, it leads to burn out and resentment. It is unhealthy, and unsustainable.
Your needs and wants matter, irrespective of what you can do for others.
3. The Whisper of Imposter Syndrome: Imposter syndrome, characterized by feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt (despite evidence of competence), disproportionately affects women in various domains, from the workplace to personal achievements. For instance, research shows that women only apply for jobs if they meet 100% of the criteria. Alternatively, men apply for jobs when they meet 60% of the requirements. Again, there is no biological reason for this; it is learned behavior. Women are taught that they have to be perfect to be worthy, and receive so many messages about who they are and what they’re good at. (Have you ever been told that you’re ‘bad at money,’ or ‘too sensitive for a leadership role’?)
By acknowledging and understanding the influence of social conditioning, you can begin to dismantle its hold and reclaim agency over your life. Through self-awareness, compassion, and support, I promise you can challenge these beliefs and live a more authentic life.